Edward getting pwned
by SymphonyofRejection
Summary: All of you seem to be deluded into thinking that Edward Cullen can beat the crap out of anyone. Let's... dissuade from that theory.
1. Chapter 1

Symphony: Essentially, this is a rebuttal to all the fantards who _think _that Edward is such a badass. That he can beat anyone. Well, I started this to prove you wrong.

**Chapter 1**

**Edward vs Voldemort**

So I dropped out Bella at her house promising to pick her up in the morning. Or something like that… She smells so good, I can't think straight.

Suddenly, someone in a black cloak jumped out of nowhere!

Even though I'm perfect and flawless, my car isn't. So I almost hit the guy. Not that I particulary cared. I just didn't feel like dealing with bloodlust.

I swerved out of the way, my sparkly body looking sexy as I did so. Wait… I always look like that.

I got out and prepared to yell at the guy for almost raising my insurance bill, but then…

"So, you're one of those faeries."

I am shocked.

"I'm a freaking vampire!" I snarl.

"You sparkle. You don't require blood to live. You have no fangs. The sun does nothing to you. You are basically an immortal human with super powers."

Le gasp! He found out my secret!

"Fine." I grumble. "I'm a freaking faerie. Vampire just sounds more badass."

"Alright then. To business."

"Huh?"

"I wanted to ask for your help to take over England. I can offer your race just about anything you've been neglected, I can-"

"I'm an emo bastard, and I don't care about my race." I said bluntly.

"Shouldn't I be discussing this with your leader?"

"No! Die!" I jump at him and prepare to snap his neck in 0.016 seconds.

"…"

Suddenly, I was flipped up-side down! I was hanging in mid-air, rather stupidly.

"Tell me where your leader is."

"uhhh… No!"

I tried using my super-powers to read his mind, but then… I was blocked!

"Huh? That's Bella's special abilty that I'm never, ever, ever going to bother to find out where it came from!" I exclaim.

"Huh?" He asked, confuzzled. "Since I'm a murdering physcopath, I may as well kill you."

"Ahahaha… You can't kill me!" I laugh.

"I could. And I will. AVADA KEDRAVA! BITCH!"

…

Symphony: Voldemort was so OOC here it was hiliarious…


	2. True Story!

This one is for the Lulz.

**Edward vs. Chuck Norris!**

One day, a fan announced that Edward Cullen could beat Chuck Norris in a fight. Chuck took the poor, deluded, girl to his house and showed her all of the Cullens stuffed heads. Oh, and Jacob was a rug.

Moral of Story: Chuck Norris makes furniture out of emo kids who think he could beat Chuck in a fight.


	3. The Emo kid

Symphony: This one is for me. Basically, I don't expect anyone to understand who this guy is.

**Edward vs. Soren**

"Oh Edward. I'm in love with you, even though we only met two weeks ago!" Bella fawned sexily.

"No! I'm a beast! I'm a monster!" Edward screamed.

"Would you rather be emo than have sex?"

"Hell yeah!"

"That makes you even sexier11apple11!" Bella said sexily

Suddenly, a young man wearing black ropes walked in front of them! He had a noticeable birthmark on his forhead, and… looked emo!!!

"An emo kid!" Bella squeled sexily, and sexily floated over to him.

"WTF?" Edward said.

'Oh, valiant man who is no doubt even more powerful than Edward because you look more depressed." Bella said as she attempted to flirt with the guy.

"Go away."

"Oh! He's soooooo dreamy…" Bella sighed sexily.

"Damn him!" Edward fumed. "Who is he to break up our twu luv?"

"So why are you so depressed?" Bella asked sexily.

"I had an unhappy childhood." He said flatly.

"Clarify?" Bella asked sexily.

"Hell no."

"Oh come on!" Bella whined sexily.

"No."

"Die bitch!" Edward popped out of nowhere, preparing to snap his neck, but…

"AH! It burns!" Edward screamed as he ran around.

"Heehee! You have magic powers too!" Bella giggled sexily.

"Ummm… sure." The emo kid began to walk away.

"Where are you going?" Bella asked sexily.

"To brood about my family situation."

"That's it!' Edward has put out the fire. "I challenge you to an emo contest!apple11"

"I don't usually say this… but what the fuck?"

"Alright!" Bella screamed sexily. "It's time for…"

**THE 35****th**** annual 'who deserves to sex up Stephenie Meyer's fantasy dream contest!'**

"I'd really rather not." The emo kid said.

"I don't care!" Bella screeched sexily. "Do it, or I'll be sexily chagrined!'

"…fine."

"Yay! Our twu luv will be back in no time!" Edward said, dancing.

"Shut the chagrined holy crow up!" Bella screamed sexily.

"Stop using that word." The emo kid said. "I do not think it means what you think it means."

"Le gasp!" Edward screamed. "He made a Princess Bride reference! You suck!"

"That's one point in Edward's favor."

"This is stupid." The emo kid said bluntly.

"Oh! Fifty million points!"

"So… we're just supposed to act like abusive assholes, and we get points? If we act nice, we lose points?" The emo kid asked.

"Pretty much. Hang on… Observance! You lose 25,000 points!"

Edward decided to use his… TRUMP CARD!

"I'm a vampire. No body loves me. Becuz I immortal!" Edward whined. "And I sparkle!"

"Oh!" Bella exclaimed sexily. "That's… sexy!"

"… Pathetic."

"50 points!"

Ignoring her, the emo kid gave his life story.

"So my Dad and my Mom were in lust because they both kicked ass or something like that, then they had my. My Dad got pissed because I didn't have any special powers so he dumped my in this country of beasts to be cared for by this bitchy lady who basically went all emo caring for me. Then this sage came, took me, taught me magic while being an abusive asshole about it, then he died and I fended for himself. Then I basically met my best friend, watched his dad kill everyone, then I became a mercenary and kicked my Father's ass. Oh, and I acted depressed every second of the way."

"YAYZ1111111apple111111111111" Bella tried to jump on him. He dodged.

"Die bitch!" Edward tried to kill the emo kid, but he used his magic to cut him up and burn the pieces. Because he's such a badass.

"You see, I'm a badass because I had an actually despressing childhood. And I met someone who I would protect with my life. And I'm happy. I don't have a lover, but I'm still happy. I hold a mark so vile, a mark so against humanity, that your kind can't compare. I admit it. I am branded."

And with that, Edward died.


End file.
